sometimes always scary for me to film a painting. Especially one where I’m not sure what’s going to happen. But I’m going to continue to share my process because people have asked me to. Not because I think I’m some kind of expert or something. I’m only an expert in watching Netflix for hours at a time and making a mess all the time. And sleeping. I’m really freaking good at sleeping.
conduit 30×40 acrylic on canvas
Here’s the making of conduit. I narrated a bit of my thoughts. Feel free to mute that. :P
p.s. most of my art is for sale. If you’re interested in something, send me an email firstname.lastname@example.org. I can always make an Etsy listing for you if it’s not in there yet. I’m not super diligent getting stuff listed sometimes.
I don’t want to say a lot about this, since I’ve touched on it in other posts. And I’m still processing all of it. Plus, I’m probably going to have a vulnerability hangover after sharing so many self portraits of a very personal nature in such a short space of time. Honestly, without some distinct encouragement from Flickr followers, I don’t know if I would’ve finished posting them. What an awesome group of people they are.
Take some time to read the quotes in the titles and descriptions. It will give a bit of insight into each image. I think I leveled up somehow. Maybe turned a corner. The louder the voices are telling me I’m a dumb dumb for posting these, the more I’m convinced I made the right decision.
See the whole gallery here.
I’m definitely fighting those voices as I continue to post these. But I still feel that they needed to be posted together without too much time between. This is a story about fear and fighting. See more on Flickr.
I didn’t realize when I shot this series what the story was. (I’m not sure what my deal is with series lately, but I’m gonna go with it) I just knew it needed to be told. Looking at them now and reflecting on what I’ve been dealing with internally lately, I realize it’s fear.
It never really goes away and what I fear might be different than what you fear. But it doesn’t matter. The truth is that we battle it every day. I’ve read the thoughts of some people that I consider very strong people and you know what? They still fear things. Some of them are scared shitless. But they fight it. Every day.
For me, it’s about not listening to those voices I’ve written about. Those critics, mostly from my past, from my upbringing. Sometimes based on people I actually knew. Whether people are really thinking the things that I project onto them is beside the point. I’ve fought that fear super hard in the last several years to break out of this people pleasing shell and tasted freedom I never believed I could taste. That’s why I fight.
I don’t want to get to the end of my life wondering why I was so scared to let these wonderful things out. It’s really just a vulnerability issue. For whatever reason, I have given myself limitations to what’s acceptable to show people and what’s not. All the time, my soul struggles to break out and share. I don’t know why. It just needs to come out.
Here are a few more images from this series.
And of course, there’s the one I posted a couple days ago. There are a few more I’m trying to decide on.
After yesterday’s little self hate fest, I was surprised to wake up this morning with a self portrait idea. Like, OMG. I finally had an idea. I kicked the Austrian out and took a whole series. There is nothing like the creative process and everything clicking like it used to. NOTHING. I had a story to tell. It obviously needed to come out.
I’ll be posting them on Flickr over the next few days.
This is me, fighting my own ego. The one who tells me I’m not enough. I feel powerful today.